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Karl The Comic Writer by …
Tags: affection, apron, blinds, cohesive structure, comic writer, cosmic scheme, david baillie, dry toast, epidemic parotitis, light floods, london e3, middle aged woman, mumps, pillows, pitch, rubbish, scheme of things, sensible diet, street london, swallows,Pages: 56
Language: english
Created: Wed Nov 30 09:45:31 2005
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Karl The Comic Writer
by
David Baillie
Email: hello@davidbaillie.net
Mobile: +44 7967 741 582
Address: 15 Mossford Street
London E3 4TH
INT. YOUNG KARL'S BEDROOM - DAY
It may be day but the room is pitch dark as we listen
to the voice over.
KARL (V.O.)
Our lives are like vast structures...
Vast, yet infinitesimal at the same
time, when considered in the grand
cosmic scheme of things. Sometimes I
think it's possible to identify a
unifying strand. Some thing or force
which binds together all of the random
and apparently unrelated components of
one person's life into a cohesive
structure.
The blinds open and light floods in. Young Karl lies in
bed, looking very sick indeed.
He turns over and gives the blind-opener a pitiful
look.
KARL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And sometimes I think that's all
rubbish and life is just a serious of
incoherent events that we impose
meaning on retrospectively...
Karl's mother comes into view. She is a stern looking
middle-aged woman wearing an apron.
Brusquely she puffs up Karl's pillows, and tidies his
hair. She leaves without showing anything even remotely
recognisable as motherly affection.
KARL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
This is me. I'm only five. Or at least
I was. Then.
Young Karl swallows and it is obviously painful.
KARL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Unwell - taken by the mumps. Or
epidemic parotitis to give it its
proper title. Eating only soup and dry
toast. God alone knows why. The doctor
advised no such thing. My mother
decided that these two things
constituted the only sensible diet for
a boy with my condition. The soup was
great. The dry toast... Not so great.
The paste holding the wallpaper to the wall beside
Young Karl's bed has dried, leaving an invitingly loose
seam hanging. The boy starts to pick at it.
2.
KARL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Look at me. Bored and sick. So bored
that all I could find to while away
the long, dull hours was to pick at
the wallpaper by my bed. I remember
getting a thrashing for this from my
father. I never did it again. Not for
fear of further punishment though. No.
It was because this is the last time I
ever remember being bored.
Young Karl suddenly stops as he hears his mother enter
the room. He thrusts his hands back beneath the sheets
and puts on his best innocent face.
KARL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And this is my mother. With more soup
and toast. And... Look. On that tray.
Close-in on two shiny, new comics on the side of a
breakfast tray, wedged beneath a bowl of soup, and
accompanied by a pile of dry toast.
KARL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The reason that from this day forward
I never again experienced boredom.
The woman places the tray on the lap of her son and
leaves the room without a word.
Young Karl dips his toasted bread into the soup to
soften it up while slowly being drawn into the world of
comics.
INT. AN INDOOR MARKET STALL - DAY
Young Karl is now slightly older.
He kneels on a dirty floor, wedged beneath the laden,
almost yielding planks of a labyrinthine market stall,
flicking eagerly through rows of stacked comics.
His father waits impatiently in the background. He taps
his foot, occasionally looking at his watch, as the
pile of comics Young Karl has selected for purchase
grows.
KARL (V.O.)
This was the beginning of a
fascination that would last almost my
entire life. The world of comics would
never again be far from my thoughts,
or my actions. Every chance to read
one or get my hands on more, I
grabbed.
3.
KARL(CONT'D)
While everyone else was discovering
computer games and football -
EXT. A SCHOOLYARD - DAY
Karl is a little older now. He sits on a wall as boys
in the background play football loudly. The leather
ball slams against the wall producing a loud,
percussive thump. Karl flinches but his gaze doesn't
leave the pages of his comic.
KARL (V.O.)
Or girls.
INT. SHOOL BUILDINGS - EVENING
Karl makes his way through the shimmying teenage bodies
of his classmates at a school disco. The chaperones
keep a cautious eye on the dance floor as terrible
eighties pop plays through the tinny school PA system.
Teenage Karl walks down a corridor, past a row of
teenaged couples snogging and a few older boys guzzling
down cans of beer and laughing hysterically, until he
eventually finds himself a quiet spot to sit and read
comics.
KARL (V.O.)
I was thrilling to the adventures of
Judge Dredd and Spider-Man. Conan and
Optimus Prime. Living other lives in
other worlds, that no one else quite
seemed to understand.
Two boys run past trying to douse each other with beer
as Karl sits, serenely reading his comics.
KARL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
When I left school, I studied English
at college for a while. My obsession
with comics caused some friction with
my tutors, who refused to believe that
words and pictures together could have
any literary merit.
INT. COLLEGE PROFESSOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Karl is now twenty or so. He is being lectured by a
much older college professor.
PROFESSOR
Words and pictures together, young
McCloud? I refuse to believe they can
have any literary merit.
4.
KARL (V.O.)
See?
PROFESSOR
You think people will still be reading
Spider-Man in twenty years' time? The
pictures are in these things for those
unfortunate enough to have received so
poor an education that words alone are
not sufficient to convey to them a
story. Do you really want to work in a
remedial medium? If you do indeed
choose to do so it shall be a terrible
shame. You have something almost
resembling talent.
KARL (V.O.)
After academia had done its worst, and
I had patently failed to do anything
worthwhile in the world of comics,
there was only really one thing left
to do with my life...
INT. AN OFFICE - DAY
Karl (in his late-twenties now) sits in a cubicle among
many other identical cubicles in a large, open plan
office. He stares blankly at his computer monitor,
almost falling asleep.
KARL (V.O.)
Get a job like every other loser on
the planet.
BOSS (O.S. AND
SCREAMING)
McCloud?
Karl springs out of his chair and looks nervously over
the wall of his cubicle.
He walks sheepishly to his boss's office, knocks, fully
opens the door, which is already ajar, and enters.
BOSS (CONT'D)
Where are the figures for this month?
I thought I told you to have them on
my desk when I came back from lunch
today?
KARL
But you don't normally come back from
lunch until about three.
The boss glares at him.
5.
KARL (CONT'D)
Sir.
BOSS
Are you calling me lazy, McCloud?
KARL
No, sir, just pointing out that -
BOSS
Sounds like gross misconduct to me.
Have you received a written warning in
the time you've been here?
KARL
Yes sir, I -
BOSS
I thought so. Remind me what it was
for.
KARL
Reading. During office hours.
BOSS
That's right. Comic books wasn't it?
KARL
Yes, sir. Comic books.
BOSS
Well you're going to suddenly have a
lot more time to read your creepy
kid's books, McCloud. Pack your stuff.
KARL
My - ?
BOSS
Yes, you're fired.
KARL
But I haven't -
BOSS
I wouldn't bother pursuing this with
an industrial tribunal. You're on
record as being a piss-poor employee.
They tend not to side with your sort.
KARL
I wasn't thinking of -
BOSS
That's your problem McCloud. You don't
think.
6.
EXT. THE OFFICE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Karl stands outside in the drizzling rain, holding a
cardboard box full of his possessions. An elderly
security guard comes out to talk to him.
SECURITY GUARD
You okay, Karl?
KARL
Yeah. I've just been fired.
SECURITY GUARD
Yeah, I heard. You should be happy,
you know.
KARL
Happy?
SECURITY GUARD
Sure. You can do better than this
place. And your boss was a dickhead.
KARL
Yeah I suppose he was.
SECURITY GUARD
What you going to do now.
KARL
I don't know. Go home probably. Read
some com-
SECURITY GUARD
I'd go for a pint meself. Celebrate my
newfound freedom. Oh, that'd go down
right nice that would - a pie and a
pint. In fact I wish they'd given me
the sack. I'd be doing a dance out
here.
KARL
(smiling)
Thanks Mr. Wilson.
SECURITY GUARD
And that's another thing - you're the
only bugger in this whole place that
knows me name. Half of them don't even
acknowledge me on the way in or out.
You'll do fine, kid. You'll see - this
is the best thing that could have
happened to you.
7.
Karl smiles and holds his hand out to hail an
approaching taxi. As the taxi comes to a halt it drives
into a deep puddle, drenching Karl's trousers.
KARL (V.O.)
So that went well. I think.
INT. THE JOB CENTRE - DAY
Karl sits opposite a young lady (Catrina) typing
painfully slowly on her computer keyboard while chewing
gum.
KARL
And so you see... That's what
happened. I don't think it was very
fair. But to be honest it wasn't a
great job and I'm pretty sure I can do
better. I have a degree.
CATRINA
Name?
KARL
Didn't I already tell you my name?
CATRINA
Yes. But I type very slowly. I only
got as far as K A R.
KARL
Karl McCloud. That's K A R L
(beat)
M C C L O U D.
CATRINA
That's nice. Is it Scotch?
KARL
Scottish. Yes. Do you think I've lost
my accent?
CATRINA
I dunno. I thought you might be Irish.
KARL
Oh. What's your name?
YOUNG GIRL
Catrina.
KARL
That's nice, too.
CATRINA
And do you speak English?
8.
KARL
Pardon?
CATRINA
Do you speak English?
KARL
Yes. I'm speaking it now.
CATRINA
Okay. Good.
She clicks her mouse purposefully.
CATRINA (CONT'D)
And do you have any A Levels?
KARL
Yes. In English, Maths and Art.
CATRINA
Okay and what age were you when you
sat those exams?
KARL
Eighteen.
Catrina starts to click her mouse button maniacally.
Her finger gets tired and she switches to using her
left hand.
KARL (CONT'D)
I'm sorry. What are you doing?
CATRINA
Oh it's this computer system. It's
stupid. You have to click on these
little arrows here to forward the date
from your birth right up until you
were eighteen.
KARL
(Looking at the screen)
Day by day?
CATRINA
Yeah.
KARL
Are you sure? I'd have thought you'd
be able to just click on that date
field and type in a date.
CATRINA
This is what they showed us in
training.
9.
CATRINA(CONT'D)
(She finishes clicking)
Okay. Now - what was the first one?
KARL
English.
CATRINA
And what did you get?
KARL
An A.
CATRINA
Good. Well done.
She clicks ferociously again for a while.
CATRINA (CONT'D)
And what was the next one?
KARL
Maths. I got a B for that.
CATRINA
Okay. That's good too. I failed Maths.
KARL
Did you? Some people aren't
Mathematically minded. It's no big
deal.
CATRINA
Sure. Is it okay with you if we leave
it at that? My hand's getting sore.
KARL
If you like.
CATRINA
So, what kind of job experience do you
have?
KARL
Well I worked in an office for two
years.
CATRINA
This is the job you just got fired
from?
KARL
Ummm... Yeah.
CATRINA
And what did you do before that?
KARL
I was a writer. Sort of.
10.
CATRINA
Ooh - really? What did you write?
KARL
Comic books.
CATRINA
For children?
KARL
No. More for adults.
CATRINA
Dirty comic books?
KARL
No, no. Not at all! Look - it's a
common misconception that comics are
inherently for children. Just because
they have pictures doesn't mean that
they can't deal with mature themes and
subjects. It's the words-and-pictures
together thing. I don't understand it -
magazines and newspapers have pictures
and no one assumes they're for kids...
Well not most newspapers anyway. Films
too.
CATRINA
So what were these non-dirty books
about?
KARL
I wrote a few things, but my main one
was a thing called The Hedonist. It
was about the world's first good-time
superhero. Imagine - if you were world
famous, on the cover of glossy
magazines every month - you'd act like
a rock star, not some self-righteous
do-gooder. So he had groupies and
attended all the red-carpet parties,
and in between all that saved the
world. It was kind of a comedy.
CATRINA
That sounds pretty cool. What else did
you write?
KARL
The other comic I wrote was called The
Scribbler. About a guy who lived in a
world full of superheroes, and whose
job it was to write comics documenting
their adventures. But the act of
writing was draining him of his love
for the medium.
11.
CATRINA
That one wasn't a comedy then?
KARL
No. Not really.
CATRINA
Why did you stop?
KARL
I suppose I just ran out of steam. It
stopped being fun. Trying to find my
own niche in the comics market. Always
looking to impress editors with my
stuff. All they wanted was big
explosions and plot twists in the last
three pages. It ended up I was
spending more time trying to sell my
work than I was using it to try to say
something. Funny - used to be I
couldn't imagine a life without
comics. I've hardly opened one at all
recently.
CATRINA
Now what kind of work are you looking
for?
KARL
Would you like to go out with me?
CATRINA
(chewing noisily)
What?
KARL
Oh - nothing. Forget it.
CATRINA
Did you just ask me out?
KARL
Yes. I think I did.
CATRINA
No thanks.
KARL
Okay.
CATRINA
It's not that you're not good-looking.
You're alright as a matter of fact. It
just sounds like your life is a bit a
mess.
12.
KARL
I see. Yes. I suppose it is.
EXT. THE JOB CENTRE - MOMENTS LATER
Torrential rain makes the minute or so it takes Karl to
don his cycling gear and unfasten his bike from the
railing very unpleasant.
He mounts the bike and cycles for a bit through the
miserable weather.
After a short while his front tyre runs over a piece of
broken bottle in the street. It hisses and deflates
quickly.
He frowns, dismounts and walks with the bike by his
side instead.
INT. CYCLE SHOP - LATER
Karl enters the shop, absolutely drenched. He is pretty
miserable.
Two shop assistants sit behind the counter.
ASSISTANT #1
Hey dude, how can I help?
KARL
I have a really bad puncture and I
need a new inner tube for my bicycle.
ASSISTANT #1
(Eagerly)
And a pump and a spanner?
KARL
No, it's okay. I have those. I just
need the new tube.
ASSISTANT #1
We have an excellent range of
aerodynamic spanners.
KARL
Can a spanner be aerodynamic?
ASSISTANT #1
Your pump's probably an old model,
too. When did you buy it?
KARL
Erm -
13.
ASSISTANT #2
Tell him to shove his pump up his
arse.
KARL
Excuse me?
ASSISTANT #1
When did you buy your current pump? If
you have difficulty remembering that's
usually a sign that it's an out-of-
date model. The benefits of a new
aerodynamic pump are many and
numerous.
KARL
I thought it was the spanner that was
aerodynamic?
ASSISTANT #2
Yeah! That's it! You tell him. And
while you're at it explain to the
dimwit that `numerous' and `many' mean
the same thing. Being a writer, words
are your trade. You can't allow this
blatant misuse -
KARL
How do you know I'm a writer?
ASSISTANT #1
A what?
KARL
No. Not you - the other guy.
The first assistant looks behind him and then back at
Karl.
ASSISTANT #1
Have you been drinking, dude? Might
not be a great idea for you to get
back on that bike!
ASSISTANT #2
This might be a good time to mention
that only you can see me.
KARL
Oh. I see. This is some kind of weird
sales technique, isn't it?
ASSISTANT #1
I honestly don't know what you're
talking about, man but you're starting
to freak me out.
14.
ASSISTANT #2
He's right. He has no idea what you're
talking about.
(Waving his arms)
He can't see me.
KARL
Listen - I just want an inner tube. No
pumps, no spanners and nothing in the
least bit aerodynamic. Just a new
inner tube so that I can continue on
my very wet journey home. Thank you.
Both of you.
ASSISTANT #1
That's cool man. Totally cool.
(Handing over a small box)
Here you go. Have a good one.
EXT. CYCLE SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
Karl leaves the shop and does up his coat. The rain is
still falling in sheets. The second assistant follows
him out. He's dressed completely inappropriately for
the weather but doesn't seem to mind.
KARL
What are you doing?
ASSISTANT #2
Coming with you.
KARL
Why?
ASSISTANT #2
Because I'm supposed to.
KARL
But I already told you - I'm not
buying anything else.
ASSISTANT #2
No problem.
KARL
Fine - suit yourself. If you want to
get soaked, that's fine.
Karl walks to where his bike is chained up and the guy
follows. He tries to ignore him while undoing the nut
on his front wheel.
ASSISTANT #2
I think he might have meant ergonomic.
15.
KARL
Still not interested.
Karl inflates the new inner tube with a hand pump. The
stranger looks on.
ASSISTANT #2
My name's Stuart.
Karl expertly fits the wheel back on his bike.
KARL
Excellent.
(Sitting on the saddle)
Bye Stuart.
Stuart looks on as Karl cycles off into the distance.
Water rolls off his face.
STUART
Bye Karl.
INT. KARL'S FLAT - LATER
Karl comes in through the front door of his flat and
throws his keys and wringing wet outer layers to the
floor.
He turns on lights and a television.
KARL (V.O.)
Dear diary. Another miserable day. Got
fired. Got rejected. Got soaked.
Can't wait to see what tomorrow
brings.
His walls are decorated with framed, signed pictures
and posters of comic book characters.
He collapses in a heap on the sofa and pulls a blanket
over himself, closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep.
EXT. KARL'S FLAT - THE NEXT DAY
Karl leaves his flat and walks down the street. He
walks past Stuart but doesn't recognise him.
STUART
Hi.
Karl takes a second to figure out who has spoken to
him.
16.
KARL
Bloody hell. What are you doing here?
Are you following me?
STUART
Not really.
KARL
Not really?
STUART
No. And to be honest I'm hurt that you
don't recognise me.
KARL
You're the weirdo who works in the
bike shop. Of course I recognise you.
STUART
No. I don't work in a bike shop.
KARL
Then what were you doing in there?
STUART
Waiting for you.
KARL
Have we met before?
STUART
No.
KARL
Then how the hell can you expect me to
know who you are? Were you in one of
those ridiculous reality TV shows? I
don't watch much television.
STUART
Come on - let's go for breakfast. Give
the penny a chance to drop.
KARL
I have a policy of not eating with
crazy people. Especially breakfast. It
has a tendency to ruin my day.
STUART
I'm not crazy. And I'm buying. And can
today really be any worse than
yesterday?
Karl sighs and looks like he's about to cave.
17.
KARL
I suppose I can make an exception.
It's not like I had any better plans
for my morning.
INT. A GREASY SPOON CAFE - LATER
Karl and Stuart sit opposite each other. Karl has
finished his fried breakfast. Stuart has the remnants
of two breakfasts in front of him and has just started
his third.
KARL
So who are you?
STUART
You wouldn't believe me.
KARL
Try me.
STUART
Trust me. Tell you what. Guess.
KARL
Are you the result of some bizarre
genetic experiment to create the
perfect human rubbish bin? No, you
said I wouldn't believe you. I
wouldn't have any trouble believing
that.
STUART
Nope. But that's funny. Try again.
KARL
You're my son. You've travelled back
through time to give me a vital
message from the future.
STUART
Now that was much closer. I'm really
enjoying this.
Stuart closes his eyes tightly for a few seconds. Karl
looks at him oddly and decides to ignore this.
KARL
Grandson? Great grandson? And you've
just realised that your futuristic
currency won't be accepted here and
I'm going to have to pay for your
three full English breakfasts and six
cups of coffee?
Stuart gets the attention of a waitress.
18.
STUART
Could I have another coffee please?
WAITRESS
Four sugars, darling?
STUART
You got it.
KARL
So who are you then? I'm ready for
anything.
STUART
I'm Stuart Milligan.
Karl laughs loudly.
KARL
The Hedonist?
STUART
Yes.
KARL
You're telling me that you are a
character I created for a comic book.
STUART
Yes.
KARL
Did someone put you up to this? How do
you even know who The Hedonist is?
STUART
How do you know who Karl McCloud is?
KARL
I am Karl McCloud.
STUART
(Suddenly very serious)
And I am The Hedonist.
Karl is obviously uncomfortable.
The waitress brings Stuart's coffee.
STUART (CONT'D)
Thanks doll.
(Sips the coffee)
Mmmm. Tasty.
KARL
The Hedonist is imaginary.
19.
STUART
I agree.
KARL
You look real.
STUART
I am.
KARL
You're not him then. QED.
STUART
Then who am I?
KARL
Some crazy person who works in a bike
shop and tries to con customers into
buying aerodynamic spanners and
multiple breakfasts.
STUART
I'm pretty sure he meant ergonomic.
Aerodynamic makes no sense.
KARL
You're kind of scaring me.
STUART
Ask me a question. Something that only
The Hedonist would know.
KARL
What are your super powers?
STUART
See, that's no use. Anyone who's read
the comic knows that The Hedonist's
powers change every issue to fit the
story, but mainly he has the uncanny
ability to have fun regardless of
where he is, who he's with or what
he's doing. Ask me something only he
could know.
Karl thinks for a moment.
KARL
Okay. This'll expose you for the
lunatic you are. What is your
brother's name?
STUART
George. He's a carpenter, and while
he's a happy sort of chap he has
nowhere near as much fun as I do.
20.
KARL
(Rather loudly)
How the hell did you know that? I
didn't even get around to writing that
story.
Karl gets out of his seat and backs away from Stuart,
quite scared.
The diners around eye him warily.
STUART
I could have sworn I mentioned before
that only you can see me. You look a
bit like a crazy man right now. Sit
down or they might ask you to leave.
KARL
A - ha! Got you. Your story doesn't
add up. The waitress can see you.
STUART
If I try really, really hard I can
make people see me. And I really like
coffee. Lots of coffee. With plenty of
sugar. So it was worth the effort.
KARL
Why can I see you then?
STUART
You created me.
KARL
Oh my God. My mother said this would
happen. I'm having a breakdown.
STUART
(Still tucking into his
breakfast)
I don't think you are, you know.
KARL
I'm not talking to you.
STUART
Yes you are.
KARL
You're a figment of my imagination.
STUART
Does that make me a bad person?
KARL
No, but it stops you from being a real
one.
21.
Karl sits down and puts his head in his hands.
KARL (CONT'D)
Maybe it's that LSD I took.
STUART
When?
KARL
About ten years ago.
STUART
Doesn't acid normally work a bit
faster than that?
KARL
I wouldn't know. I only did it the
once. At a party. In Manchester. To
impress a girl.
STUART
Did it work?
KARL
No - it turns out incoherent mumbling
and dribbling weren't really her
thing.
STUART
Oh well. Better luck next time.
INT. KARL'S FLAT - LATER
Karl and Stuart enter the flat. Karl throws his keys
and outer layers onto the hall floor.
STUART
So this is what a writer's flat looks
like?
KARL
Hardly. I haven't written anything for
years now. This is what an unemployed
office worker's flat looks like.
Stuart starts to pick through Karl's books and the
piles of paper that lie around.
He picks up a girly mag.
KARL (CONT'D)
Hey! Leave my stuff alone.
22.
STUART
You should be more careful what you
leave lying around. What would a young
lady say if she saw this?
KARL
Chance would be a fine thing. The only
female that's ever been in here is my
mother and she complains regardless of
how the place looks.
Stuart picks up a bound collection of notes and typed
script.
STUART
Is this new?
KARL
No. That's been lying in that exact
spot for over a year.
STUART
(Reading)
Why didn't you try to get it
published? It's good.
KARL
No it's not. It's rubbish and
formulaic.
STUART
Your stuff is far too idiosyncratic
and quirky to be formulaic, Karl. This
is great. The people should be allowed
to see it.
KARL
It's not as simple as that. You need
to approach a publisher and an editor
has to approve it and... I mean I
didn't even finish that one. Is that
why you're here?
STUART
What do you mean?
KARL
Did my subconscious conjure you up to
boost my self-confidence?
STUART
Is that the sort of thing that a
subconscious does?
23.
KARL
I don't know. I should do. I studied a
year's worth of psychology at college.
I'd make a rubbish psychologist.
STUART
I'd make a terrible writer.
KARL
Why do you say that?
STUART
You're a great writer -
KARL
Pfah!
STUART
- because you have something to say.
Lots of things on a good day. Now
me... I have but one message. One note
to sing. That gets tedious after a
while.
KARL
What's that then? What's the one note?
STUART
Live every minute of your life like
it's your last. You never know when it
actually will be. But you knew that
already - you created me.
KARL
Yes. I'm good at trotting out tired
clichés.
STUART
But don't you see? cliché are just
truths that are so often repeated that
people have stopped paying much
attention to them.
(Holding up Karl's girly
mag)
Like the Top 100 Sexy Girls lists that
these magazines publish. Oh - did you
hear about the night I crashed the
party for one of these things and
ended up going home with two Page 3
models and an actress?
KARL
I wrote that story.
STUART
Oh yeah. So you did. Thanks - it was a
great night.
24.
STUART(CONT'D)
So, did you ever wonder why even the
loveliest girls can't stay at the top
of the polls for very long? It's
because they become sexy clichés. If
someone tells you that some chick is
the hottest thing on the planet for a
whole year, then eventually you stop
paying attention. But it doesn't mean
that she's any less glamorous.
Stuart raids the fridge Karl keeps in his living room.
STUART (CONT'D)
Also -
(munch)
- I question the wisdom of including
soap actresses in the top ten. There's
only so many times I can watch a girl
crying in a launderette, mascara
running all down her face, and still
find her attractive.
KARL
Quite an interesting set of opinions
you have there.
STUART
Hardly my fault, is it?
(Eating a chocolate bar)
We need to get some proper food. This
rubbish is no good for you.
INT. A SUPERMARKET - LATER
Karl and Stuart walk down the aisle of the supermarket,
Stuart frequently dropping items into the trolley that
Karl is pushing.
KARL
You know, there was a perfectly good
supermarket near my flat we could have
gone to.
STUART
It does you good to get out into the
big city.
KARL
And none of this food is particularly
healthy. It's pretty much what I have
at home anyway.
STUART
I'm The Hedonist, what do I know about
healthy food? In this case it'll have
to be the thought that counts.
25.
STUART(CONT'D)
(Dropping more junk in the
basket)
Right, I think that'll do - let's
check out.
At the checkout Stuart eyes up the young female
cashier. Karl looks at him disapprovingly.
She wonders why he's glaring at thin air.
STUART (CONT'D)
Pay the girl then.
EXT. THE STREET - MOMENTS LATER
Karl is laden with heavy shopping bags.
KARL
We'd better get a bus home. My arms
are about to snap.
STUART
What's the big rush? How often do you
make it into town? We should maybe
take a look around.
KARL
I'm really in pain. Did we need to buy
so many chocolate biscuits?
STUART
(Stops and looks at a
poster on the wall)
Look at that. Would you believe it? A
comic convention? And just around the
corner.
KARL
A what?
STUART
We have to go.
KARL
I gave up going to those things years
ago. Really you wouldn't enjoy it.
It'll be full of geeky, unhygienic
fans and desperate, bitchy comics
creators stabbing each other in the
back.
STUART
We're going and that's final.
KARL
But these bags -
26.
STUART
You can leave them in the cloakroom at
the convention. Come on - it'll be
fun.
Stuart bounds off, and Karl tries his best to keep up.
INT. THE COMIC CONVENTION - MOMENTS LATER
The convention is in a large hall.
There are trestle tables evenly spaced around the
venue, each covered with comics, action figures or a
combination of the two.
The hall is crammed full of oddly-shaped people wearing
black t-shirts bearing science-fiction and comic
images. There is the occasional person in full
character costume.
Karl and Stuart enter.
KARL
Oh God. I thought I'd never see one of
these things again.
STUART
I bet you used to love them.
KARL
Yeah - when I was a teenager.
Stuart frowns as a group of geeks parade past.
STUART
I really hope you dressed better than
that.
KARL
Not much, I'm afraid.
A young lady in a tight leather outfit catches Stuart's
attention.
Three teenage Fan Boys approach Karl.
FAN BOY #1
Excuse me - are you Karl McCloud?
KARL
Yeah. That's me.
FAN BOY #2
(To Boy #3)
Man, didn't I tell you. He still looks
like his photograph on the Internet!
27.
FAN BOY #1
I really dig your stuff, Mr. McCloud.
FAN BOY #3
Yeah the Hedonist rocks.
Stuart gives a proud grin at this proclamation.
He suddenly realises that Fan Boy #2 is staring
directly at him. Summoning all of the teenager's
attention into his extended index finger he casts it
off like a fisherman. The Fan Boy looks away with a
jerk of his head.
FAN BOY #1
No, I like The Scribbler best.
KARL
Really? I didn't think anyone had
actually read that.
FAN BOY #1
It's one of my favourite comics ever!
If I'd known you were going to be here
I'd have brought it for you to sign. I
didn't see your name on the guest
list.
FAN BOY #3
Yeah - I heard you were a recluse now!
KARL
A recluse? Where did you hear that?
FAN BOY #3
There's a thread on the Comics
Periodical website dedicated to you.
KARL
A thread? Is that a good thing?
A scruffy looking thirty-something lady with spiky hair
and gaudy makeup approaches from Karl's opposite side.
She has a slow Texan drawl and a bundle of attitude.
AMANDA
Hey there - you're Karl McCloud ain't
ya? I'm Amanda Sanchez. I wrote a
really shitty review of your Hedonist
thing a few years back.
KARL
Did you? Uh... Thanks.
28.
AMANDA
Yeah, predictable and formulaic is
what I said. You didn't read it, huh?
Where did you go to?
KARL
Go? I didn't go anywhere.
AMANDA
Haven't seen anything by you for a
long time. Hope my razor sharp
criticism didn't put you off hittin'
the ol' typewriter.
She laughs, annoyingly.
KARL
No. Not at all. But thanks for your
concern. I just -
STUART
Tell her you're writing again.
KARL
(To Stuart)
But I'm not.
STUART
Tell her - Go on! See what she says.
KARL
(Back to Amanda)
I'm thinking about giving writing
another shot.
Karl smiles. Amanda smiles back, obviously not
particularly wanting to be drawn into a conversation.
Instead she thrusts forward a comic.
AMANDA
Well this here is my new comic.
Riotous Manga Chick. It's not
feminist, if that's what you're
thinking. The title's ironic.
KARL
I see -
AMANDA
Total action blitz, zombie flesh-fest
reminiscent of the best of independent
Latvian cinema.
KARL
That sounds really... Exciting. My
stuff was a bit more introspective.
I'm sorry you found it formulaic.
29.
STUART
(Despairing)
That's it. You tell her!
AMANDA
It would be total cool beans if you
could review that for one of the news
sites. Comics Periodical always run
reviews by has-beens of hot new stuff.
No offence. Obviously.
KARL
None taken.
AMANDA
Right - I gotta go. I think I just
spotted Jack Krugby. You know, the
publisher of Spaghetti Fumetti. See
ya.
KARL
Sure. Bye.
She stamps off, leaving Karl and his teenage fans a bit
startled. Except Fan Boy #2 that is, whose gaze has
returned to Stuart. When he notices he flicks his hand
and the boy looks away again.
Stuart takes a look at Amanda's comic.
STUART
This looks like crap.
KARL
No need to be negative.
STUART
You're absolutely right. There wasn't.
(Calling after Amanda)
Cow!
FAN BOY #1
Wow! Did I hear that right? Have you
started writing again?
KARL
Ummm... Kind of.
FAN BOY #1
That is so cool.
FAN BOY #3
I can't wait to break the news on the
web. I'll get first post and
everything.
30.
FAN BOY #1
You'll have to beat me to the nearest
Internet cafe if you want that honour.
FAN BOY #3
Easy, fat boy.
They run off, leaving Fan Boy #2 looking a bit dazed.
STUART
Come on, I think I've had enough of
this place. You were right. No fun at
all.
EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE THE CONVENTION - MOMENTS LATER
Karl is laden with bags again but looks strangely
energetic. Stuart listens to him as they walk to the
bus stop.
KARL
I didn't think anyone actually knew my
stuff. My comics. That was actually
really cool. Thanks for suggesting
that we go.
STUART
Do they always smell like that?
KARL
Conventions? Or comics fans?
STUART
Both.
KARL
Yeah.
STUART
What's with that?
KARL
I haven't felt like that in a long
time.
STUART
It's probably the smell.
KARL
No I mean excited. About comics. Oh -
this is our bus. We'll have to run if
we want to catch it.
STUART
Can we just get a taxi?
31.
INT. KARL'S FLAT - LATER
Karl sits in front of an old typewriter. Stuart sits on
the couch munching at junk food and watching TV.
STUART
You should get a computer.
KARL
I don't want a computer. I don't need
a computer.
STUART
Writers use computers.
KARL
I'm not a real writer.
STUART
How's it coming along?
KARL
Not so good.
STUART
How many words?
KARL
(Counts)
Eighteen.
STUART
It's a start.
KARL
I'm sure it used to be easier than
this.
STUART
You got as far as the typewriter.
That's the difficult part. Now you
just have to write.
Karl stands up and stretches. He moves away from the
typewriter.
STUART (CONT'D)
Uh uh, cowboy. Get back in the saddle.
Writing is five percent inspiration
and ninety five percent bum glue.
KARL
Bum glue?
32.
STUART
It keeps your bum stuck to the seat
until you've finished.
Karl frowns.
KARL
How come you know so much about
writing all of a sudden.
STUART
I was written wasn't I? Who would know
how it works any better than me?
The telephone rings. Neither of them answers it.
KARL
Best leave it. It might interrupt my
flow.
STUART
That is precisely what I was thinking.
The phone rings onto the answer machine. It is Karl's
mum.
KARL'S MUM
Hi Karl. It's your mother here. I've
just heard from Brian that you lost
your job at the... Where were you
working? Oh I don't suppose it
matters. That I've forgotten, that is,
not that you're now unemployed.
Terrible waste. Just terrible. You
should call Brian.
Stuart shoots an inquisitive look at Karl.
KARL
My older brother.
KARL'S MUM
He might be able to sort you out with
something. You never know. There's no
shame in it. We all have to go begging
sometimes. Call me back. You don't
call enough. I hope you're out looking
for a job. I'll expect to hear from
you later today. Your father sends his
regards.
She hangs up and the answer machine beeps and whirs.
33.
KARL
I don't think my father has uttered
more than four words in the last
decade, mum. How exactly did he
communicate that to you?
STUART
Do I sense hostility?
KARL
No, just advanced disfunction.
STUART
So what's the deal with Brian?
KARL
He runs a hedge fund in the city. And
has a massive house. And two cars. One
of them is a classic, I think. Not
that I know anything about cars.
STUART
And your mother wants you to ask him
for a job?
KARL
Has done since I left college.
STUART
(Grinning)
But you want to be a writer instead.
Karl's frown deepens and he takes the barely typed-upon
sheet of paper from his typewriter and crumples it in
his fist.
STUART (CONT'D)
Let's go out.
KARL
Out? To another comic convention?
STUART
Oh my God, no! Let's go clubbing!
KARL
I don't club.
STUART
I do.
KARL
I thought we'd already established
that you are imaginary?
STUART
So?
34.
KARL
I am not going out with an imaginary
person. That means I'm effectively
going out on my own.
INT. A LOUD NIGHTCLUB - LATER
Karl props himself up against the bar, his legs
unsteady beneath him. He slurs his words drunkenly.
KARL
I don't know how I let you talk me
into this. Especially since you don't
actually exist.
STUART
This is precisely what you need.
Stuart checks out every girl who walks past, beaming
the whole time.
STUART (CONT'D)
You never know - you might find
something to take your mind off the
writer's block.
KARL
I don't have writer's block. I'm not a
real writer.
STUART
Sure you are. Look -
(Pointing at himself)
- here's the proof. You made something
from nothing. Using only the might of
your imagination. You created a
character, a world, a story. You are
the very definition of a writer.
KARL
You're drunk.
Stuart knocks back a luminous shot.
STUART
Not yet, my friend, but we must all
have our ambitions.
KARL
Ambition. You know when I was young -
STUART
Uh oh, here comes the `old man' talk.
(Takes Karl's drink away
from him)
I think you've had enough of these.
35.
KARL
- I was nothing but ambition. I
thought I could conquer comics single-
handedly. I wanted to be the best
writer in the world. And nothing was
going to stop me.
A young lady in a very short skirt approaches the bar
between Stuart and Karl.
Stuart closes his eyes as if concentrating very hard.
STUART
So what is stopping you?
The girl notices Stuart, who then starts to dance in a
suggestive manner.
KARL
The world. The real world. It seems so
easy when it's all in your head. But
being good at anything - never mind
being the best in the world - is a
very, very, very...
Karl's voice trails off as he struggles to focus on
Stuart and his companion, who are now dirty dancing
together.
KARL (CONT'D)
Difficult thing.
STUART
Nothing worthwhile comes easy.
KARL
What would you know? Everything comes
easy to you. Fame. Fortune. Girls.
The girl suddenly can't see Stuart, who is instead
getting serious with Karl.
STUART
Karl, if you want something badly
enough you shouldn't let anything
stand in your way. Life doesn't work
the same as in stories - there are
almost always obstacles. And it takes
effort to overcome them. Life may be
handed to me on a plate, but only
because that's the way you've written
me. The universe isn't quite so kind.
KARL
I wish I was lucky. Like you.
36.
The girl wanders off, bewildered, unable to recall what
she had just been doing.
STUART
Fortune favours the bold.
KARL
But I like having hair.
STUART
Bold. Not bald. I should have had this
talk with you when you were sober.
KARL
I am sober.
Karl passes out and collapses. The bar man comes over.
BAR MAN
(To Karl)
I think you've had too much, mate.
(To himself)
Mind you, I thought that three hours
ago when you came in and started
talking to yourself like a loony.
INT. KARL'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
Karl wakes up and stretches. Then he realises his head
is pounding and tries to calm it with the palms of his
hands.
He rolls over and opens his eyes to find Stuart lying
in the bed next to him. He winces.
STUART
(Eyes still closed)
Morning Karl.
Karl leaps out of bed. A few seconds later we hear
vomiting noises, from what we have to assume is the
bathroom.
Stuart gets out of bed, yawns and stretches gracefully.
STUART (CONT'D)
Coffee?
Stuart leaves the bedroom and goes into the lounge.
Karl is still sounding unwell elsewhere.
Stuart peers at the answering machine. A small light on
it is flashing.
STUART (CONT'D)
I think you have a message.
37.
KARL (O.S.)
It's probably my mother.
Stuart presses a button on the machine, causing a beep
and a whir, wanders towards the kettle and sets it to
boil.
An American voice is played back by the answering
machine.
ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi there Karl. It's Gene Barker here.
Long time no speak, you Scotch son-of-
a-peach. I thought you'd retired. Just
got your latest submission pack. You
sneaky dog!
Karl enters the room. He is an indescribable shade of
green. He groans.
ANSWERING MACHINE
(CONT'D)
This stuff is great. More Scribbler. I
always liked your Scribbler stories. I
didn't think you had it in you. We all
thought that the `falling out of love
with comics' was totally
autobiographical. But no, you've just
been building up a head of steam for
round two. And as for the proposal for
the new Hedonist mini-series... Man -
I'm psyched! Call me. We need to talk
numbers.
Stuart nods. The machine beeps. Karl glares.
KARL
I'm guessing you had something to do
with this?
STUART
Of course.
KARL
You mind telling me, then?
STUART
Fortune favours the bald.
KARL
Bold. Fortune favours the bold.
STUART
I knew you weren't listening last
night. I mailed off your stuff.
38.
KARL
What stuff? I only wrote eighteen
words. And it ended up in the bin.
STUART
No. The stuff you had lying around
here the other day. I read it through.
I thought it was great. So I looked up
the guy who used to be your publisher
and stuck it all in an envelope
addressed to him.
KARL
But it didn't make any sense. And it
was - Oh God. This is terrible.
STUART
He didn't think so. Which means I was
right. Again. You should maybe start
listening to me.
Karl glances at his watch.
KARL
Bollocks. I'm late for my appointment
at the Job Centre.
He rushes out of the room. There is another round of
vomit noises.
STUART
Coffee?
INT. THE JOB CENTRE - LATER
Karl smiles at Catrina across the interview desk,
through hungover eyes. She reads his file. Stuart grins
like an idiot as he sips the coffee that he brought
with him from Karl's flat.
CATRINA
So how has your first week of job-
hunting been for you?
KARL
Uneventful, if I'm honest.
Stuart prods him and he jumps.
CATRINA
That's a shame Mr. McCloud. Would you
perhaps be interested in one of our
skills-retraining courses? Or perhaps
a class in how to read job adverts in
your local newspaper?
39.
Stuart prods him again.
STUART
Tell her.
KARL
Ummm... I...
STUART
Tell her, or I'll shove you off that
chair and you'll look a right idiot!
KARL
I've been thinking about writing
again.
STUART
Mmmm Hmmmm.
CATRINA
Excellent. Do you have any newspaper
adverts for me then?
KARL
Excuse me?
CATRINA
To prove that you are looking for
gainful employment in your chosen
profession. I mean, I know you are,
but my boss likes to see something,
well...
Karl looks at her, baffled.
CATRINA (CONT'D)
Just proof. You know. Job adverts
usually do it.
KARL
I don't think that's how writing
works, to be honest.
CATRINA
No?
KARL
No. I don't recall ever seeing an
advert in my local paper looking for a
comics writer.
CATRINA
Well - I'll tell you what. Let's see
if there's something in our system. If
there is I can stick that in your
file.
40.
KARL
Right.
Catrina taps, again incredibly slowly, on her keyboard
and then squints at her ancient computer monitor.
CATRINA
I think I might have found something,
you know.
KARL
Really?
CATRINA
See. Doubting Thomas that you are.
We're not completely useless. Sign
Writer.
She nods at him happily.
KARL
Sign Writer? I'm not sure I'm really
qualified for that.
CATRINA
Why not?
KARL
Mainly because I can't write signs.
Only comics.
CATRINA
Well a sign's like a big comic, with
fewer words, isn't it? You have to
think out of the box sometimes.
STUART
I bet she learned that on a course.
Karl prods Stuart. He jumps.
KARL
I'm not sure you understand what
writing comics entails.
CATRINA
You put the words in the little
bubbles?
KARL
That's what I thought you thought. No,
the person who writes the words into
the balloons is called a letterer.
CATRINA
So what... Do you do, then?
41.
KARL
I write the stories.
CATRINA
Nope. Not sure what you mean. Do you
want the details of this job anyway?
It sounds like fun.
INT. KARL'S FLAT - DAY
Karl is sitting in front of the typewriter again, but
this time he's tapping away at quite a pace. Stuart is
reading a comic with one hand and holding a steaming
mug of coffee in the other.
STUART
This is complete shit.
KARL
(Still typing)
What is?
STUART
That girl's comic. Listen to this:
`Welcome to the concrete canyons of my
imagination. Prepare yourself for a
voyage to the edge, courtesy of me,
Amanda Sanchez, courtesan, warrior
goddess, adventurer'.
KARL
She's just projecting a persona for
the reader's benefit. A lot of writers
do it.
STUART
She's just making me vomit. The
story's pretentious twaddle too. Your
worst stuff pisses all over this.
KARL
You know this is the first I've
properly written in over a year.
STUART
How does it feel?
KARL
Great!
STUART
I'm glad. When's your interview for
the sign writer's job?
42.
KARL
Next week. I might try and cancel it.
I just felt so bad after Catrina had
gone to the trouble of all that
typing. I know it doesn't come very
easy to her.
The telephone rings. Stuart picks it up and hands it to
Karl.
KARL (CONT'D)
Hello?
(beat)
I was just about to call you actually.
I got your message.
(beat)
Of course.
(beat)
I was writing it when you called.
(beat)
That's great.
(beat)
That's great.
(beat)
That's even better.
(beat)
No, I'm having troubl