Who's Looking Out for You?  CHAPTER…

 Who's
Looking
 Out
   for
 You?
                           CHAPTER ONE




                  Folk Music
                   Papa don't preach
                   I'm in trouble deep
                   But I've made up my mind,
                   I'm keeping my baby.
                      --Madonna, "Papa Don't Preach"




I    T I S B R U TA L LY   unfair to the children involved, but there
     are almost 12 million one-parent families in the U.S.A.
     Single mothers run the majority of those families, and most
of those mothers are poor. According to the U.S. census, about 70
percent of all African-American babies are born out of wedlock,
as opposed to 27 percent for whites. So do the math and face the
result: Millions of American kids are getting hosed from day one.
  And there is little any of us can do about it. We live in a free
society. If irresponsible people have kids, there is nothing any
American authority can do to stop it. In China they kill babies. In
some Islamic countries they'll kill a woman who gets pregnant
without a husband, or even has sex outside of marriage. These
policies, of course, are barbaric and constitute major human


                                                                        7
    rights violations because, believe it or not, women and babies are
    human beings too.
       Here in the good old U.S.A. our Constitution gives careless,
    foolish citizens all the leeway in the world to bring children into
    the world and then not care for them. Millions of fathers abandon
    their kids--and it is rare that any of them sees a day in jail. We all
    know people who are absolutely awful to their children, just as we
    all know heroic parents, single and otherwise, who raise success-
    ful, happy children despite heavy odds.
       There is no question that our society has now embraced the
    casual approach when it comes to having children. Columnist
    Kathleen Parker nailed it. "Today having a baby is like swinging
    through McDonald's for a burger. One baby all the way, hold
    the dad."
       And the damage is incalculable. Over the next two years, about
    40 percent of American babies will be born out of wedlock. One
    million teenagers are likely to have a child this year, and only
    three in ten will be married. Half of all the mothers who have kids
    in their teens will be poor the rest of their lives. The government
    spits out these stats like baseball players spit out sunflower seed
    shells. The politicians use these poor children as pawns in the
    never-ending game of government entitlements. Society recog-
    nizes the problem but can't solve it. Almost all of our social ills
    can be traced back to chaotic homes.
       Luckily, most of us are born into a home with two parents. And
    thanks to Norman Rockwell and Walt Disney, there is an ideal
    embedded in many of our minds. Two loving parents, clean clothes,
    nice toys, a picket fence around the yard, and a dog named Barney.


8   B I L L O ' R E I L LY
  Does that sound like your household?
  My home was a mixture of tradition and chaos. My father
wasn't Ozzie Nelson, the TV ideal dad in the '50s and '60s, but
he wasn't Ozzy Osbourne either. I wrote about my late father in
The O'Reilly Factor, the book, and I think it is safe to say that I
had a rough-hewn upbringing. Simply put: There was plenty of
tension in my house. Along with a lot of yelling and martial arts.
My father was the Kung and I was the Fu. The perceptive writer
James Ellroy, writing in GQ magazine, had an interesting take on
my upbringing.


  [O'Reilly's] old man died of melanoma. He was a rough-edged
  guy. Fear ran him. He peaked in World War II. He was a naval
  officer. He did important work in the Jap Occupation. He settled
  in Levittown, New York. He raised his son and daughter strict.
  He worked as an accountant. He hated said work. He stuck
  with it. Fear made him stick. He lived through the Depression.
  He fed off pix of hobo shantytowns and bean lines. He stayed
  spartan middle class. He was class bound by fear. He bought
  the implicit American line. Stick where you are and wish your
  kids more.
     O'Reilly père held his mud. O'Reilly père cracked a bit on
  his deathbed. He told his son that he never fulfilled his promise.
  Bill O'Reilly vowed to do it for him.
     The old man gave him some tools. His strict legacy served
  more than hindered. The old man was a moral exemplar. His
  preachings were sound. He erred only in this rigid enforce-
  ment. The old man ruled by fear. O'Reilly hated it as a kid.



                                     Who's   LookingOut for You?       9
        O'Reilly gained respect for it years on. The old man emerged as
        a teacher. He taught by positive and negative example. He was
        responsible for his own failures. He was complicit in sustaining
        the American class system.


        Ellroy understood my dad's basic résumé but left out one
     important item: Despite his ordinary life he was an extremely per-
     ceptive man. My father was Abe Lincoln: honest and also knew
     instinctively who could be trusted and who was auditioning for
     the role of Judas. But this knowledge did him little good because
     he was afraid to act on it.
        The upside in my house was this: There were standards. There
     was no binge drinking, no drugs, no cursing, no weird displays
     of inexplicable behavior (except by me). My folks were like their
     folks before them--reactors. If I acted like a jerk, the reaction
     was Allen Iverson quick. My parents did not spare the rod, they
     brooked no disrespect, and they had no concerns at all about my
     "self-esteem."
        There were times when I hated my father. I admit it. He
     knew it. The punishment that descended upon me was mostly
     uncalled-for and born of the frustration of his life. But even in my
     teens I realized that my parents wanted me to do well and suc-
     ceed. As dim as I was, I knew that there was love in the house.


                                       m

     S  O NOW WHEN        I see children at risk, it makes me furious. Take
     four-year-old Rilya Wilson, for example. I told her story on The


10   B I L L O ' R E I L LY
Factor and it is heartbreaking. She was born in East Cleveland,
Ohio, and her father split soon after her birth. Her mother was a
drug addict and lost parental rights. So little Rilya went to live
with her "godmother," Geralyn Graham, in south Florida, a situa-
tion that was paid for and supposedly supervised by the state of
Florida.
  Trouble is, the caseworker assigned to Rilya, Deborah Muskelly,
did not make the state-ordered mandatory visits, although, in the
state files, she falsely recorded that she had. When Rilya turned
up missing from her "home" in early 2001, nobody seemed to
care. It took sixteen months for the state of Florida even to find
out about it.
  Now, you would think the authorities would be all over the case
once the facts came to light. A defenseless four-year-old missing
and possibly murdered! You would think everyone in power would
rally to see justice done.
  On television I asked Florida Governor Jeb Bush to get directly
involved in the case. He would not. I asked for the resignation of
the head of the children's services department. She stayed on for
almost a year until the pressure finally forced Bush to sack her.
I asked for the caseworker, Muskelly, to be immediately arrested.
She was not, and neither Bush nor anyone else offered an expla-
nation. To say the situation was disgraceful is insult-light.
  Finally, just before the election of 2002, Governor Bush had to
act because he was slipping big in the polls. Both the caseworker
and the "godmother" were finally charged. But the hard truth is
that nobody in the world cared for little Rilya Wilson. Nobody
looked out for her even though a number of adults were being



                                     Who's   LookingOut for You?     11
     paid to do that. And so she's still missing and most likely dead.
     Next time you have parental issues, think about Rilya.
        Poverty is an enormous problem for children, but even having
     money often doesn't solve the parental dilemma. Let's take a look
     at Julio and Enrique Iglesias, the father and son singers. These
     guys are fabulously wealthy, so it is hard to believe that with all
     their talent and fame, a smooth relationship did not evolve. But
     according to Parade magazine, the two are now rivals in the world
     of pop music. Enrique Iglesias is quoted as saying this about his
     famous father: "It's not a normal relationship. After I sold millions
     of records he [Julio] would say `but you'll never win a Grammy.' "
        Nice. Julio Iglesias has been blessed with enormous material
     success but apparently is competing with his own son for outside
     adulation. Does that make sense? Of course not. As everybody
     knows, money and privilege can screw a kid up fast. Enrique
     Iglesias was the product of a very messy divorce. As a young child,
     he lived with his mother in Spain. But her journalism career
     caused him to be left often in the care of a nanny. When Enrique
     turned seven, he was sent to live with his father in Miami. But
     according to friends, the child had to learn music outside this
     house because he was afraid Julio would put him down. Enrique
     has become a music superstar, but his road was tougher than
     some might think.
        In a perfect world, every parent would love, nurture, and pro-
     tect his or her children. If anyone should be looking out for you, it
     is your mother and father. But as we know, there are no parental
     guarantees in this life. You can ask Enrique Iglesias, or, if you get
     to heaven, you can ask Rilya Wilson.


12   B I L L O ' R E I L LY
  Many of us are deeply conflicted about our parents. My father
and mother certainly provided for me and made damn sure I got
educated and was taught the essentials of life. But can I say that
my father was always looking out for me? No, I can't. My mother's
instincts were much more in that direction, but my father had
demons that intruded on his parental duties. As with millions
of other American parents, my father set a terrible example by
inflicting unnecessary pain on his children. He did not do this on
purpose. He simply could not control himself.
  And therein lies the big parental dilemma. Just like everyone
else, a parent might have to do battle with a powerful inner
demon--that part of the mental makeup that is self-destructive
and evil. If those demons win the battle, the child as well as the
parent takes the hit. Abandonment, abuse, addiction, and apathy
can scar a child for life. And there's little the kid can do about it.
  Ask psychiatrists and they will tell you that children who are
mentally or physically abused often grow up to be abusers them-
selves. In the ongoing scandal in the Roman Catholic priesthood,
for example, it's become clear that many of the abusers were
themselves abused when they were young.
  This is not an excuse, but it may be a partial explanation. And
once understood, the cycle of emotional or physical abuse that
spins down from one generation to the next has a better chance
of being stopped. It takes awareness. It takes courage. It takes
discipline.
  Most of us have unresolved problems with our parents. Some
of these problems are trivial, some much more intense. For your
own welfare it is important that you get to the root of the parental



                                      Who's   LookingOut for You?        13
     issue and ask this question: Did your parents really look out for
     you? Did they want you to have a happy and successful life? The
     question is a bear, frightening and unpredictable. It can be painful
     even thinking about it. But here are a few guidelines to clear the
     air a little.
        Call them the Ten Commandments of Effective Parenting.


     1. A parent who is looking out for you will make time for you if
          he or she possibly can. Hint: Serial golfing is no excuse.
     2. All punishments will fit the crime. Discipline is essential, but
          no parent should inflict frequent physical or mental pain on a
          kid. Childhood is supposed to be a wondrous, joyful period.
          Parents are the grown-ups and have to be patient, within rea-
          son. Words can deeply wound a child. Parents must display
          kindness and understanding. Corporal punishment should be
          a last resort, and used within guidelines that have been clearly
          established before any physical punishment is administered.
     3. Parents who are looking out for their children will be under
          control in the house. There will be no random violence, intox-
          ication, sexual displays, uncontrolled anger, or vile language
          (sorry, Ozzy). The house should be a refuge, a place where the
          child feels protected and loved. If it is a chaotic mess, the par-
          ents are not looking out for the kids.
     4. If a parent is looking out for the child, he or she will educate
          that child in the best possible way. That includes paying col-
          lege tuition if at all possible. Parents owe it to the kids to give
          them the tools to compete, and those tools are often expen-
          sive. But they come before the vacation, the Harley, the leaf


14   B I L L O ' R E I L LY
    blower. If you don't want to sacrifice for your children, don't
    have them.
5. Parents should be available at all times for emergency talks.
    "All access," as the rock stars say. No excuses here. Ditch
    the meeting, get back from the mall, get off the phone. There
    is nothing more important than dealing with a child's crisis
    immediately, even if it seems trivial to the parent.
6. If a parent is looking out for the child, then that child's friends
    will be screened, the kid's whereabouts will be known at all
    times, and scholastic progress will be monitored daily. Home-
    work will be looked at and questions about school will be
    asked. That's how trouble is spotted before it gets out of hand;
    that's how you bring out the best in your child. Children know
    you have a strong interest in their lives. They may bitch, but
    kids badly want that kind of attention. All the research shows
    that close parental monitoring is the leading factor in whether
    or not adolescents will engage in high-risk behavior.
7. Rules will be enforced but explained. Parents who truly look
    out for their kids understand that there are rules in society
    and that high standards of behavior are the key to a successful
    life. Rules are good. But rules must have a logical objective.
    "Because I say so" can be effective when the kid gets stub-
    born, but before that conversation stopper is trotted out, try
    connecting some dots with your child. It doesn't always work,
    but the effort is worth it.
8. Parents will be honest at all times. Lead by example. No lying,
    no cheating, no nasty gossip, no cruelty, no manipulating,
    no jealousy toward your kids, no competing with them, no



                                     Who's   LookingOut for You?         15
         overindulging their various whims, and no overprotecting.
         Parents who are looking out for their children will prepare
         them for the rigors of this world. They will educate them after
         school, encourage generosity and spirituality, and generally do
         the right thing all the time. Or at least in front of them.
     9. Parents will be respectful of their parents. Grandparent abuse
         or neglect is among the worst possible things a child can see.
         This is a very important commandment. You can't effectively
         look out for your kids if you don't look out for your folks. (Even
         if your folks don't deserve it.)
     10. Finally, effective parents will remove the TVs and computers
         from their kids' rooms. All media absorption should be done in
         public space. This is a dangerous world, and the danger is
         now in the house. If a parent is really looking out for the kid,
         subversive material must be kept to an absolute minimum.
         Corrupting influences on children are everywhere, and par-
         ents must be full-time firefighters. Life is tough and getting
         tougher. The demons, the exploiters, want your kids. You must
         look out for them. Fight hard.


        So, did your parents obey all the commandments? Chances are
     they did not--they are human, after all, even though few kids take
     that into consideration. The key question once you reach adult-
     hood is, did your folks try to do the right thing by you? If they
     did make an effort, then they were looking out for you. If they
     didn't, then they were not. End of story?
        Well, not quite. If you truly believe that your parents failed you,
     what then? It seems to me that you have a couple of choices. You


16   B I L L O ' R E I L LY
can resent them for the rest of your life, which is a colossal waste
of time and energy. Or you can do NOTHING. That's right, nada.
You can't change anything, so drop it. This is a HUGE lesson.
Everybody has bad stuff happen to him or her in life. Sometimes
your parents are the bad stuff. Let it go.


                                      m

H   E R E ' S A P E R S O N A L S T O R Y.   In the 2002 NBA finals some
idiot gave Shaquille O'Neal's father courtside seats at the home
court of the New Jersey Nets. The powerful L.A. Laker knew his
father was there but would not look at him. That's because the
guy, I won't call him a man, walked away from Shaq when he was
a baby and never returned.
  I say, good for O'Neal. By all accounts his mother is a very
special woman and Shaq is devoted to her. He has obviously
succeeded in the NBA, and right now he is a positive influence in
this country. He has a right to ignore a father who did not look out
for him.
  And for good measure I hope the deadbeat dad knows how
much O'Neal is making putting balls through hoops. How about
close to $30 million a year!
  Most parent-child relationships are not as clear-cut as Shaquille
O'Neal's. Many of us have very conflicted emotions about our par-
ents; it is hard to nail down the absolute truth. But you definitely
have to sort it out and decide the best course of action.
  Here's what I did. When I was seventeen my father and I had a
mini-brawl. Lamps were broken; my mother was horrified. But it



                                             Who's   LookingOut for You?   17
     had to happen. The man had to learn that no longer would his son
     put up with his unreasonable wrath. And my father surrendered.
     He knew the physical stuff had to stop. His words were exactly
     these: "You're on your own."
        Fine. I went away to college and began to compete. It wasn't
     easy, but I made my way. I spent summers living at home but moved
     out entirely after graduation. But I always kept in touch and I was
     always respectful. Eventually, any resentment I had stored up
     dissipated because I understood that to harbor it would hurt the
     entire family. So as Hyman Roth told Michael Corleone while dis-
     cussing the dueling atrocities of their two gangs, "I let it go."
        But I also did a lot of serious thinking about my father's behav-
     ior and how it compared with the role of a parent who is really
     looking out for his child. I think it is worth restating the theme of
     the commandments: The primary duty of a parent is to give his or
     her children the tools to build a happy and successful life. These
     tools are educational, emotional, and spiritual. If your parents or
     parent did this, that person truly was looking out for you. And you
     are one lucky stiff.




18   B I L L O ' R E I L LY